


Want

by Renee



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: F/M, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-04
Updated: 2011-09-04
Packaged: 2017-10-23 09:56:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renee/pseuds/Renee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, in life, you learn not to want</p>
            </blockquote>





	Want

**Author's Note:**

> John is such a hard character to write and this was the first time I wrote him, I hope I didn't mangle him too badly. The last time I read this, I was feeling kind of messed up and started to pick it apart ruthlessly. I haven't been able to even look at it since then. I wanted to give it a final read through, but I don't think I can.

Sometimes, in life, you learn not to want. Sometimes wanting can get the best of you. Yearning for something you'll never have, wishing beyond reality for that one thing you've always wanted; that one thing you know will never be yours.

John Sheppard had long since learned that dreaming and hoping got him nowhere. He learned that no matter how much he wanted something, it didn't mean he would get it. Flying was all he had, all he ever let himself hope for. Any other want got pushed away.

So when he found himself wanting Rodney McKay, he was more than a little surprised. John wasn't supposed to want. Those feelings were supposed to be locked up; stuffed in a big old safe, covered in chains and weights and then thrown into the deepest part of the ocean. But, no matter how hard John tried to sink them, those feelings kept resurfacing. And it was hell.

Maybe things wouldn't be so hard if it was anyone else, but Rodney was his best friend. They did everything together, spent every free moment with each other. Rodney sat in his room every other night, eating popcorn and insulting his movie collection. Sometimes, he fell asleep there; his big body slumped on John's bed, empty popcorn bowl falling with a soft clatter to the floor. And John couldn't do anything about it. He'd just sit there, on the farthest edge, and stare at his friend; watch the gentle rise and fall of Rodney's chest, knowing that if he tried to wake him Rodney would just mutter and fall back to sleep. Rodney didn't care if he spent the night in John's bed, and John would never let on to why he should.

 

\----

When Rodney started dating Jennifer Keller, things slowly changed. They still spent a lot of time together, but she seemed to always be there when they did. Their time off was scheduled for the same time and unless there was an emergency, medical or scientific, they were always around each other. Rodney was in love, but still John couldn't stop wanting.

He watched the way they held each other; the way Rodney's body would surround Jennifer, his big hands pulling her body close to his, his kisses so possessive that her whole body seemed to shake from his very force of will. At night, John dreamed that he could be in her place. He dreamed that Rodney would surround him, draw him in and never let him go.

Sometimes, he hated the good Dr. Keller. He hated her with every bone in his body. She was so goddamned sweet and caring, so smart and sassy and everything that Rodney needed to be kept in line. She was perfect of him, and John hated her for that.

Sometimes, he dreamed that he would kill her; cut her open and leave her to bleed out on the cold Atlantean floors. In his dreams, once she was dealt with, Rodney would come to his senses. He would see that maybe she wasn't as perfect as he'd thought, he'd be happy that John had done her in; he would reward John with scorching kisses and beautiful possessive lovemaking that would leave John sore for days. Eventually, in those dreams, Rodney would even crack a joke about the dead doctor. Afterwards, John would wake up knowing that he was sick. But it still didn't stop him from wanting.

 

\----

The thing about want, especially want as strong as John's, was that eventually you couldn't keep it locked up anymore; eventually, it got out.

It was just like any other mission gone wrong, Rodney said something to upset the natives and they were thrown in a primitive dungeon to await their trial. Teyla and Ronon were being kept away. They were not being put to trial like John and Rodney, but that didn't mean they were allowed to return home through the stargate. Still, when they neglected to check in, people would come looking for them. A rescue would be made. It really was just like any other mission gone wrong, except for the part where John's secret finally came out.

Rodney had seemed a bit more on edge than usual. He kept pacing back and forth in their dingy cell, looking at his watch every five minutes and wondering where the hell their rescue could be.

"Calm down, Rodney," John said calmly from where he sat against the wall, "we aren't even supposed to check in for another hour."

"Calm down!? Calm down!? How the hell do expect me to be calm when I'm stuck in this God forsaken cell in the middle of nowhere instead of..." he broke off, shooting John a strange look.

John's eyes narrowed a little, something was going on, "instead of what?" he asked softly.

Rodney bit his lip and muttered, "...nothing"

"Like hell it's nothing, you were going to say something and then stopped. I want to know what you were going to say."

There was a soft sigh, "I have dinner plans with Jennifer tonight."

"And that's different from any other night because...?"

"I'm planning to propose." He was giving John that funny look again, like he was expecting something to happen, like he was afraid something was going to happen.

John swallowed and considered his words carefully, "and why wouldn't you want to tell me that?" His voice sounded too soft, choked.

Rodney knelt down in front of him. He placed his hand on John's shoulder, "I know, John. I... I'm sorry, I'm sorry I could never give you what you wanted."

John thought about pretending, he thought about telling Rodney he had no clue what he was talking about, but suddenly he didn't want to pretend anymore. He didn't care enough to pretend that he didn't want. "You know," it wasn't a question.

"I've known for a long time. I'm not as emotionally handicapped as everyone thinks. I just... I was afraid to bring it up. You're my best friend, John; I can't stand the thought of turning you down. Everyone deserves the right to fall in love; I'm just sorry you had to pick me."

And just like that, John snapped. He stood up in a rage, he beat his hands against the wall; his eyes were wild as he stared Rodney down. A gut wrenching sound tore from his throat and he bit his hand trying to stop the tears. John Sheppard was always in control of the situation. He wasn't supposed to break down. But that was what wanting did to you, it made you weak; made you fragile.

Rodney went to reach out to him, only stopping when he saw John shake his head 'no'. He watched John cry against the wall and rage for all he couldn't have for as long as he could, but this needed to end. "John," he began, "please... please don't do this, not here. We need to stay calm, remember? I should never have said anything, this is my fault. I... I've never seen you like this, I didn't mean for this to-" he breaks off when John stands, suddenly calm and gives him a weak smile.

"No worries," his voice is soft but confidant. He's no longer the crying, broken man; he's Lt. Col. John Sheppard USAF, he's in control of himself and the situation. Rodney opens his mouth to speak, but John beats him to the punch, "we'll talk about later, Rodney. For now, let's just focus on staying calm until help gets here." There's a pause, "so... did you get her a diamond?"

 

\----

They don't talk about it when help gets there, or when they're back in Atlantis. They don't talk about it after Jennifer accepts his proposal or when Rodney shyly asks John to be his best man. The thing in, even if he doesn't talk about it, John still wants. The fact that Rodney knows about it, doesn't make it any easier to let it go.

At first, Rodney tries to bring it up whenever they're alone, but John always changes the subject. And, eventually, Rodney stops bringing it up all together. But John knows that he still sees it; sees the want that still bubbles inside of him. And he knows that Rodney sees how cold he's become, how distant he's been; he doesn't let himself care.

John stays the good soldier. He does what he has to do, just like he's always done. He doesn't let the fact that that slip up did so much damage show. No one but Rodney even notices that anything is wrong; John has always been so good at fooling people.

\----

The day of the wedding draws closer. Atlantis is all a twitter with wedding plans; they're going to have two ceremonies. One on Atlantis and one on Earth; John will watch the man he's loved for almost six years now marry someone else... and he will have to watch it twice.

Jennifer had chosen a vintage wedding gown, she asked John what he thought; wanted a man's opinion, wanted to know what he thought Rodney would think of her in it. The dress is all delicate layers of pearl colored lace; she looks beautiful and John hates her more than he's ever hated anyone in his life. He tells her that she looks amazing. He tells her that he doesn't think Rodney will be able to keep his hands off her. That night, he tears apart his room in agony and spends hours setting everything right again.

Love has a funny way of making the rest of life seem just a bit off. If your love is returned, the world is bright and beautiful. If not, then it's dull and gray. The sky is still blue and clouds are still fluffy and white; but, for once in his life, John barely even notices.

Rodney sits next to him in mess while he eats his lunch. His wedding is mere weeks away. He and John still never talked about 'it'. "Good jumper weather today," he smiles comfortingly. Rodney knows something is wrong.

"Yeah," John offers a smile in return, "blue skies."

They eat in quiet for a while more and then Rodney speaks up again, "I know you've told me you don't want to talk, but I think we should. Tonight."

"There's nothing to talk about, Rodney. I'm over it. Momentary lapse in judgment." John can tell that Rodney knows he's lying. Sometimes, it feels like lying is all he ever does.

Rodney's eyes are narrow, "we're going to talk tonight, John. I don't care if you say there's nothing to talk about. You're my best friend, and I've spent way too much time waiting for you to come to me to talk about it. I can't stand seeing you in pain like this."

John said nothing, just picked up his half eaten tray of food and dumped the remains in the trash before walking out. He knew that Rodney still wanted to talk. He knew that he'd have to get it over with. He dreaded the coming of that night.

\----

No matter how much we wish at times for time to stop, it never does. And quite often the moments we dread most come much too quickly. Night certainly fell much too quickly for John.

He sat on his bed waiting with dread for his door to chime. Rodney doesn't disappoint, he shows up just when John knows he will and John lets him in knowing that Rodney expects to be turned away.

The first few minutes pass in silence, Rodney sitting next to John and staring awkwardly at the wall. John speaks first, "I never wanted this," because it always comes back to the wanting of it.

"Who would?" Rodney wonders and then turns to him, "who in their right mind would want to fall in love with someone who couldn't love them back. I've never ruled out the possibility of men, only an idiot would do that, but I've also never wanted one. If I could want you John, I would. If I could force attraction I would do it in an instant."

"We would be good together," the words are hard to get out.

Rodney doesn't speak for a moment and then smiles, "yeah."

John bites his lip, "how long have you known?"

"About your feelings? Years."

"You never said you knew. I always thought I was being careful... when did you... how did you find out."

"...M3R-462. The world with all those weird chicken things. You drank too much of their wine... it did something to you; made you talk in your sleep. You told me over and over again in your dreams... you whispered my name. It was such a shock... and it... it nearly broke my heart."

"It didn't freak you out? Knowing a guy had feelings for you?"

"It's not like you had ever acted on them. Besides, my sister isn't completely straight. Most of her friends growing up were either bi or gay. Hell, my best friend in high school was a complete flamer," he smiled a little at the memory, "I was too young and he was too gay for anyone to really like us much. We stuck together like glue. I don't care that you're a guy, John. I care that you're in pain. I care that you're too pigheaded to do anything about your pain. Mostly, I just care about you. If you don't want to come to the wedding, er, weddings- you don't have to."

But John wanted to go. He may have been in love with Rodney, but he was also his friend. "No. I'm going. I'm your best man, buddy. Don't think you can get rid of me that quickly."

Rodney's smile was brilliant and John was so emotionally drained and just like that he couldn't hold it back any more; the desire, the want. He leaned forward so quickly, Rodney didn't even see it coming. Theirs lips pressed together before John really even knew what he was doing. And then Rodney was gently pushing him away.

"No, John." He wasn't angry, his voice was so soft. So sad.

"Sorry." John looked away and felt the hand on his shoulder.

"John, you need to let me go. I know that I'm quite the catch, but your bait won't reel me in." When John stayed silent, Rodney went on, "we should have had this talk a long time ago. I should have sat you down when I realized how you felt. I'm such a coward, I was afraid that if I turned you down I would lose you. But you need to let go."

John looked at him again and his voice cracked, "I can't. It's like the minute I let myself want something, it's all I can think about. God... I'm not good with this emotional crap. I don't know how to deal with it. I just want it to stop." He was shaking.

"Maybe you should take a few weeks off. After the wedding, of course."

"Maybe I should leave," his voice was cold, "I don't think I can be around you anymore."

Rodney took a few deep breaths, he looked so unsure of himself, and he spoke, "if that's what you think you need to do then do it. But, Atlantis thrives because of you. I don't know what any of us would do if you weren't here, John. I don't know what I would do. I know I'm being selfish, but I don't want you to go. I want you to stay right where you are."

John had enough of it, "you're right, you are being selfish. Jesus, Rodney! I love you so much I can't even stand to be around you. I'd say we have two options right now, you either love me back or you let ME go. Maybe I'll leave the Air force. Go be a cop or go live homeless on the beach somewhere. God, maybe I'll go back to my brother! But I can't stay here. Atlantis has no color any more. I... I don't want to give you up. But just being around you is killing me."

Rodney seemed to weigh his options. "Give yourself a little more time to think, before you make any big decisions, okay?"

John nodded and Rodney left, there was nothing more to talk about. He went to sleep early; Despite his earlier outrage, he slept a little easier than he had in a long time.

 

\----

The first wedding had gone off without a hitch. The second, the earth wedding, was currently underway. The ceremony was beautiful, Jennifer in her gorgeous antique dress and Rodney looking down right dapper in his tux. The vows were lovely, and John knew that Teyla had a hand in helping Rodney with his.

John sat back and watched the newlyweds dance. He and Rodney hadn't had any more time to talk privately in the past few weeks; John wouldn't know what to say if they had. After their talk in his room that night, he had begun to feel a little better. The want wasn't gone, but it didn't ache as much. He figures that maybe he can get through this after all. Maybe he can let his best friend, let the man he loves more than he's ever loved before, go and still manage to keep him in some way. And John just knows that has to mean that everything can be okay, it may not be okay just that moment, but It can be. And that that has to account for something, right?


End file.
